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My two year old started crying minutes after my eldest son opened his birthday presents. He wanted to play with his brother’s newest toys as soon as they came out of their boxes, but his siblings firmly declined his requests. And while I was disappointed that my oldest child didn’t want to share, I couldn’t blame him either. There is nothing more annoying for a child than to be forced to give away their toys to someone just minutes after receiving them.
Not sharing with a friend or family member, however, goes against everything I learned as a kid. If someone I knew wanted to use something I was using, I understood that without question I should give them a chance. When I saw this scenario between my children, I asked myself, “Do children always have to share?”
I asked this question Parental psychologist, bestselling author and mother of four, Dr. Heather Wittenberg. She explained that parents should teach the behavior over time rather than forcing children to share. But she admits that for many parents, that’s easier said than done.
“It’s actually more difficult than potty training because it takes a lifetime,” she says. “Sharing is one of the most complex human behaviors, and a lot of people never get the hang of it.”
Raising young people to consider the well-being of others is one of the reasons Wittenberg believes in teaching children to share. She gave some tips on how parents can put the practice into practice.
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Why Teaching Children To Share Is Important
Sharing falls under the umbrella of the essential socio-emotional skills children must learn in order to manage their emotions, empathize with others, and make and keep friends. And while sharing promotes empathic behavior in children, according to Wittenberg, it occasionally collides with a child’s need to protect their boundaries. It’s a skill that parents have neglected over the centuries because it can teach children, especially girls, the importance of pleasing others at a young age.
“You can’t really ‘force’ someone to be ‘nice’, to care or to empathize,” she explains. “You can force them to give up their boundaries and insist that they share, even if it feels really wrong to them. But that teaches the wrong lesson, doesn’t it? “
Since children are still developing and learning to deal with themselves, being forced to demonstrate advanced skills like sharing puts them in a losing position. It will likely lead to tantrums and tears, and telling them to share it will only make matters worse.
“Rather, coach and support you side by side in possible sharing situations on the playground or at a birthday party,” says Wittenberg.
How can parents “teach” sharing?
Wittenberg emphasizes that when teaching children to share, parents should know that this is not a skill that is learned over a weekend like potty training. Parents need to show patience, encouragement, and repetition –and be ready to prove it for yourself if you want your children to know how important it is for them to learn this empathic behavior.
“It’s incredibly challenging socio-emotional behavior that requires multiple developmental cycles and lots of trial, error, lots of encouragement and good example from parents,” she says.
And in my situation where I teach my two sons to share, Wittenberg says it can be more of a hassle teaching siblings because they save their best and bad behavior for one another. In addition, parents are more likely to lose patience in such situations because we want our children to get along.
She emphasizes the need for parents to stand up to their children and recognize how difficult it can be for them to share. But at the same time, let them know how important it is for them to learn how to do it. Also, give an example and model the behavior that you would like your children to see. Parents can also set up an exercise sharing session that you can supervise and coach.
“Shout out ‘sharing in the wild’ when you see it,” she adds. “It doesn’t have to be anything big – just a quiet but sincere acknowledgment: ‘Hey, I saw your turn with your brother. I know that must have been difficult. But you are going to be a big kid and I see that you take care of your brother. Impressive work. ‘”
