Not all advice has to be professional. Sometimes your problems deserve a little blunt honesty from a guy with only a computer and a conscience. Luckily for you, I’m that guy. Welcome back to Tough Love.
Today we’re talking about a peculiar dilemma that most people (probably) never face: what to do with the ash-gray remains of someone – or something – that has mysteriously come into your possession. How do you pay tribute? Should you?
Note: I am a columnist, not a therapist or a certified doctor. With this in mind, my advice should be heeded. If you have a problem with something I say complain here. Now to today’s letter.
Dear sam
I have an ethical dilemma and maybe you can help solve it.
My husband and I recently moved. While unpacking and sorting our household items, I discovered a plastic bag full of “cremains”. The problem is, I don’t know who they belong to. Lots of things were stowed away because we didn’t have space for them in our old house. This move unearthed a number of things that we had forgotten, including those ashes. The ashes do not contain any identifying markers or tags, so we cannot identify them, but there are three options:
We cremated a beloved dog many years ago and my kids and I scattered the ashes on a hill we used to walk the family on, but maybe not all of them were scattered. I vaguely remember promising to keep something for my ex-husband to disperse. But I remember that I didn’t want him to have any part of the memorial for the dog, so it makes sense that they are not left of him.
A dear friend of mine also played me something from her husband’s ashes for safekeeping, while her living situation was unstable after a fire and she lived with me so that they could be his too. I thought I would have given them all back to her at some point, but I remember there were two bags of ashes when she planned to scatter them in different places. I would be embarrassed to tell her, but she’s pretty relaxed and would probably just find it humorous and welcome the opportunity to remember her husband again.
Eventually my husband thinks they could be his ex-MILs. She was brought home by his ex-wife, but they haven’t spoken in about 20 years.
So what is to be done morally / ethically? Do I bother to have them tested (is it even possible?) To see if they are animals or humans? Given that we supposedly share 60% of our DNA with bananas, I don’t want to pursue a completely fruitless (sorry) exercise. Or do we keep this discovery to ourselves and just scatter it around our wooded property and spend a quiet moment pondering the transience of human and animal life and each of the three beings that could have been them?
You can probably see that we’re not interested in having unknown ashes in a teapot in our kitchen, but we want to do something about it after we find it. But what?!
Signed,
ashes to Ashes
Dear ashes to ashes,
Wow what a predicament you are in, uh, brew. Usually, people in possession of ashes know where they came from. However, you are in the unenviable position of having mysterious ashes: everything that is left of someone (or something) on Earth in a short period of time – but whose? That is hard. Our loved ones can really haunt us after they’re gone, or at least annoy us over bizarre ethical dilemmas.
This situation is funny in a way that is reminiscent of the Monty Python cast knocking over an urn which allegedly contained the ashes of her co-conspirator Graham Chapman in front of a live audience (although that is exactly what is not desired) In a way, what you stumbled upon is somehow beautiful: you hold in your possession a symbol of a completed life – a life that has passed into a realm truly unknown to humans. And from what I hear, whether human or animal, all of the lives that could possibly belong to that pile of ashes really meant something to you and your husband.
You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned “the ephemeral nature of human and animal life” and you are lucky in the sense that you have in your possession a capsule that symbolizes the universal mystery of life. Regardless of who / what is in this vessel, it represents both the transience of life and the unknowable mystery of death, your own grave of the unknown soldier (in a teapot).
The first thing to consider is whether you need to do anything at all. No death is more or less important than another, even if the deceased is anonymous. The possibility that you are clinging to a physical representation of one of the lives you mentioned will undoubtedly bring back memories of these beings. Maybe these memories are painful, or maybe they are nostalgic or make you laugh. Keeping the leftovers in a container somewhere in your home could be a ever-present reminder of how fragile life is and the importance of enjoying our experiences with others before (and after) they’re gone. We all only have so much time until we too are ashes in an urn (metaphorically or literally).
You could theoretically for a DNA test, but the results might be unclear, since nowhere is ash sequencing as easy as performing a DNA test on an exhumed corpse, let alone a living person. (Online opinion on DNA testing for cremated remains is split so do your research if you really want to go this trail). Another option could be to ask your boyfriend or your husband’s ex-wife if they have more specific memories of those ashes, but that too could be fruitless.
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Scattering them in a nice spot is always a good option, although in that case it might be for housekeeping rather than a tribute to the life and legacy of an anonymous being. In any case, think about it and do what gives you security.
