Many young children start loving school in the early years of elementary school but eventually transform into grumbling older children who would rather be somewhere else doing something other than sitting at their desks all day. It’s understandable – the older our kids get, the more pressure they feel academically. The work becomes more difficult and expectations rise. They may find that they clash with a teacher or become the target of a tyrant.
There are many reasons a child might suddenly hate school, but there are some things we can do to ease their frustration or anxiety.
Listen and empathize
When your previously school-loving child first announces that they now actually hates school, your first instinct may be to push the claim back. The answer with “Oh, you don’t mean that”, “You don’t hate school, you just had a bad day” or “But all your friends are there” doesn’t serve anyone.
Think of it this way: When you had a bad day at work and you went home to go to your partner’s house (“I don’t like my boss; I hate this job”) and your partner said, “Come on this is not true. You would not feel properly heard and validated. You are more likely to feel dismissed – and kids feel the same way when we try to convince them that they don’t really feel the way they say they do.
Instead, acknowledge their feelings and get them to open up by writing back what you hear from them, empathizing, and actively listening. Say things like, “It sounds like you’ve had a rough day – do you want to talk about it?” or “That must have been very frustrating; what happened next? ”can encourage them to share their experiences.
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Even if you confirm your feelings, be careful not to fuel the fire with emotional responses like, “You’re right – your headmaster can be a real idiot at times; I’m sick of the way he treats you. “This is not productive and, as Sue Browder writes Reader’s Digestwe can actually make certain situations worse by reacting to them, especially if they are already anxious:
Unfortunately, parents can feed a child’s fears through the way they react. With younger children, watch as they say goodbye in the first few days of school. A company “Have a nice day and I’ll pick you up at 2:30 am!” is more confidence-building than “don’t worry, I can be there in ten minutes if you need me”.
Listen and be empathetic – but resist turning emotionally about what you are experiencing.
Try the “magic wand technique”
If the problem is small enough, a magic wand (of some sort) may be all you need to enhance your experience. This idea comes from Alana Pace at Parenthood from the heart::
After listening to your child, express their worries, anger, and fears. First, empathize. Then ask him what would he do if he had a wand that would help him go to school and be in school better? He may choose to make friends, have a better relationship with his teacher, or it could be something simple that makes him feel empowered.
When my son started crying when it was time to go to school, we used this technique. His wand request was for me to wake up with him (I usually stayed in bed when he woke up at 6:30 a.m. until just after 7:00 a.m.). He also asked my husband or me to pack his backpack. These differences alone stopped the months of crying.
And even if the problem is bigger than making a few adjustments to the morning routine, this can be a great way to put the problem first so you can start …
Brainstorm solutions together
If your child hates school simply because it is boring, you can empathize with them, but there are probably few ways you can make it more fun for them. But there are many other reasons for their misery that something can actually be done about.
Sometimes kids hate school because they don’t have friends. If so, you can work on developing their social skills, such as For example, by role-playing at home so they can practice introducing themselves to other children or asking other children to play during break. Or, you can enroll them in an after-school activity that will allow them to meet other children with common interests.
If they hate school because they are having trouble keeping up with work, try to find out why. They may need glasses or tutoring – or they may even have an undiagnosed learning disability. Talk to the teacher about what he noticed in the classroom. If you are conflicting with a teacher or other student to a disruptive degree, it may be time to speak to the teacher or involve the school principal in order to more effectively address the problem.
