Illustration for article titled Make Sure Your Children Know Your Divorce is No SecretPhoto: Jo Millington (Shutterstock)

There are so many things to consider when telling your children that you are going to get a divorce (We have a full guide on how to do this here). You want to showcase as much as possible from a respectful, unified front. They want to make sure they know that they will continue to be loved and supported by both parents and that it is not due to something they did. But one thing you may not want to say, you may need to hear: this is no secret.

Also, if you feel guilty or ashamed about your upcoming divorce, Dr. Joanna Stern, a senior clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, says it is important to let children know that this is not a shame on them and that they can seek support wherever they need it. Younger children in particular may struggle with the gravity of what is happening – but if it’s something that has never been discussed before, they may assume it should be kept a secret to keep them from reaching for support , that they need.

“It is important that our children know that … they will feel the way they will feel [the divorce]and if you want to talk to us, great; We want to talk to them too, ”she says. “But if you want to talk to your friends about it, especially as school-age children, teenagers or teenagers, then you should talk to your friends about it.”

You can emphasize that you are helping them speak to someone who can make this process easier for them, whether that be a trusted teacher, school counselor, or extended family member. They may also want to keep it private for now, which is fine too.

However, Stern points out that a child who normally relies heavily on friends for support may not want to tell anyone about it for an extended period of time, this could be an indication that they are denying that the divorce will actually take place. In this case, you should check with them about how they are feeling.

G / O Media can receive a commission