It’s pretty much a universal law that someone who has ghosting looks hotter in their Instagram pictures. They may not even do it to show you what you are missing, but it always feels like they are and you, like many before you, might be forced to return to the DMs of someone you like hurt when you fell silent. Here’s how you can do this without blowing the whole thing up.
Think back to your time together
Whether you went on a date, made a connection, or had a period of conversation without ever meeting in real life, how you should proceed with firing your shot again matters. You also need to consider how long your arrangement lasted.
If you’ve talked a little to someone about Tinder and left them hanging down without saying goodbye, it might not be as difficult to restart the conversation as if you had, say, a month before the bathroom to meet. Only you know the details of the relationship and only you know how they might react. So trust your instincts as you carefully advance here.
Take a look at the last few messages this person sent you, around the time they first realized you had purposely ignored them. Are you angry or desperate? Are you confused? Be amazed at the realization that you were some kind of an asshole and understand where they are from. It doesn’t feel good to be let off while reading. So don’t expect them to be excited to see you back. (And if so, ask yourself if their willingness to reconnect with someone who badly disregards them is a red flag in itself.)
Here’s a lesson: you hurt feelings when you do this.
Find out your own motivation
Look, this person is probably pretty mad at you. They left her high and dry with no explanation. When trying to revive an old chat thread or get them on a date, expect resistance and lots of questions. You need to know your own motivation to reappear in their DMs so that you can convincingly pass it on to them.
Maybe you really missed her. Maybe they just got super hot. Perhaps you made them spooky because you rekindled things with your old partner, then broke up, and found yourself single again. Perhaps the bumble match fountain near you ran dry. At least be honest with yourself, man.
Steven Rodriguez, a 27-year-old Brooklyn-born artist, told Lifehacker he spooked a young woman we’ll call Angie after she was “a little too excited” on her first date and wanted “hugs and kisses and all of that right away . ”
Rodriguez said he wasn’t quite as affectionate to cross-border workers as Angie wanted him to be, and although they had chatted on social media for a while before the meeting, he ghosted her after the date. Then he said, “She just blew up my phone without stopping. Like without a break. “
“The second time I was with her, she actually started crying,” he complained. “When that happened, I actually had to haunt her again.”
Angie was crying because she was spooky, so here’s a lesson: You hurt feelings when you do this. But Rodriguez’s assessment was that Angie, with all of her physical affection and outward emotions, did not suit him and he definitely did not suit her. Whether you think it’s wrong or right, the man treated her doubly ghostly, which would have been avoidable if he’d done a little self-assessment and realized that he would only be on that second date because of her Phone as if blew up without a break.
It sucks, but ghosting shouldn’t stop you from doing better in the future, especially if you’ve learned from the experience.
Address how ghostly you were (or not)
Rodriguez said the advice he would give to a friend who wants to go fishing, in order to come back with someone they’ve made spooky, is to turn to her casually and ask on a date. If the Ghost Party should respond with interest, he said, the Ghost Party should go from there and not address the time of silence.
Eric, a 45-year-old from East Harlem, disagreed. If you talked to the person for a long time before disappearing, he said, “Call them.”
After a little thought, he admitted that depending on the situation, a text could work, but advised making sure that both parties are on the same page. He was ghostly of someone he’d also connected with on social media and dated for about a week. She opened it again after a few weeks of complete silence and offered a simple “hello,” but by this point he had already deduced from her contributions that she was reconnecting with her old friend and then separated from that old friend again had and was single again.
“I didn’t have to ask her,” he explained, because he already knew her reasoning. You may have broken up with someone on purpose, but are still connected to someone in different ways. The other person probably knows more about why you’re spooky than you think, especially if they got caught in a social media crawl of silence, for example, lurking your Venmo transactions or Twitter likes. Even so, Eric said, if it’s not immediately clear, or if you start asking questions, it doesn’t hurt to explain to yourself so you can get on with the relationship whatever that may be.
He and the woman who haunted him never got back together romantically, but formed a strong friendship.
Try to move forward and stop the ghosting
If you really like this person, make an effort. If you’re sorry, tell them. If you are not sorry, don’t lie.
The fact is, we have all ended things a little rude with someone, and we all did it to ourselves. It sucks, but ghosting shouldn’t stop you from doing better in the future, especially if you’ve learned from the experience.
You should always try to find a lesson in some kind of romantic entanglement, even in a stray DM. For example, Rodriguez recalled a time when he was spooky because he was a lot drunk and “a little bit adjusted” when he was drunk. He drinks less now, he said, and will never forget this woman who said to him subliminally: “Don’t stay with me anymore.” (She still likes all of his photos, but these mixed messages are a story for another day.)
“Keep it exciting, go ahead and be happy!” Said Eric.
And we could add, maybe stop ghosting people. That’s not cool.
