The word “crybaby” evokes a specific image: a child who seems to tear apart things of little importance several times a day for a few minutes per screaming session – and who seems too old to do so. There is a societal expectation that after a certain age, perhaps at the beginning of kindergarten or first grade, children should not melt together as much. After that they are officially “crybugs”.
Some children just cry more than others. They can of course be more sensitive, more emotionally intense or still learning how to regulate their emotions. However, the goal should never be to get rid of her crying. Boys in particular get the message from everyone around them that “big boys” don’t cry, that crying is a childish or girlish way of expressing feelings, or that crying means that they are weak. We need to be careful with the messages we give – and allow others to share – with our children about their crying, especially those who are more prone to tears.
As Sarah Hamaker writes for them Washington Post::
“Crying is normal, healthy behavior that has both a biological and a social basis,” said Cheryl Rode, vice president of clinical operations at the San Diego Center for Children and licensed child clinical psychologist. “It can relieve stress or emotional energy and serve as a means of communication to share emotions or seek solace.”
Rode said that tears are often a response to intense emotions. “The mechanisms that trigger crying are related to our limbic system – the part of our brain that controls emotions,” she said. “Childhood is a time when greater control over emotional regulation is developed.”
What should I say instead of “stop crying!” or “Don’t be a crybaby!”
When a child starts crying, which you think is a minor incident, especially if they are often moved to tears, it can be tempting to help them shake it off by saying something like, “It’ll be fine!” . or “You are okay!” But it’s not okay for them and they’re not okay. Just as you need to feel heard when you feel sad or overwhelmed, children need to acknowledge their feelings too.
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If you are not sure what to say instead, Cooks Hill Counseling’s blog offers these 10 suggestions:
1. It’s okay when you’re sad.
2. I know this is difficult.
3. I am there for you when you need me.
4. Tell me what makes you sad.
5. I see you and I hear you.
6. I listen to you.
7. I am here to help you solve this problem.
8. I will stay close so that you can find me when you need me.
9. That was a difficult situation.
10. Tell me what happened.
Teach them coping skills
What children who cry a lot need is not shame but coping skills. Choose a quieter time to talk about stronger emotions like everyone has and the transitory nature of an emotion, such as anger or sadness. If crying has become bothersome in their classroom, or if their peers start to tease them about it (or avoid playing with them), you can help them come up with new ways to deal with big emotions.
Clinical psychologist Eileen Kennedy-Moore offers these coping strategies Psychology today::
- Take a deep breath. Slow, deep breaths can be very calming. Help your child practice breathing slowly and quietly – through their nose, through their mouth.
- Number. Counting floor tiles silently, reciting even numbers, or doing math facts can be a good distraction to help your child get back on an even keel.
- Take a break. Sometimes the best way to regain control is to move away from the situation. Your child could go to the bathroom or drink some water.
- Self comfort. Tell your child to cross their arms and give each other a subtle hug while thinking of calming thoughts like “I’ll be fine,” “I can get through this,” or “I’ll be home soon and tell mom or dad about it . “
You can also speak to your teacher to develop other acceptable calming strategies that can be used in the classroom, such as: For example, put your head on your desk while you take a deep breath or count, or go to a calming corner for a few moments.
In time, you will be able to better control your tears without feeling ashamed of having shed them in the first place.
