Moving in together can be an exciting time for any couple, but it can also turn into a disaster. If you’re still on your honeymoon or in a very hurry to split the rent and save money, you may be ready to skip the options checklist to know you’re ready for this big step. But we’ll list them for you anyway.
Talk about the basics, especially finances
Lifehacker had a say for this piece licensed Compass real estate seller Chelsea Hale and examined legal documents of a young woman who currently has a protection warrant against the partner with whom she lived for a number of years. Both said the same thing: Before you go to a new place, talk. Then keep talking. Talk about finance in particular, and make sure you do it privately and in a comfortable setting.
“When they meet with me, I don’t want to be bothered with deciding who pays what at all,” said Hale. “So before you come to me, you have to decide: ‘Okay, X-partner pays X-amount and Y-partner pays Y-amount.'”
If this proposal causes an argument, it is time to give serious thought to whether the union is a real partnership
Hale said it is imperative that individuals be honest about their income and come to a conclusion as to whether they are trying a 50/50 breakdown of rent and utilities, or apportionment of costs, whichever is appropriate much they both deserve, make more sense. When one partner earns three times the other, it’s not uncommon for that partner to pay more rent.
If this proposal causes an argument, it is time to give serious thought to whether the union is a real partnership. Disagreements at the beginning of the apartment hunt can indicate bigger problems that are most likely to surface once you are settled in.
The young woman with the protection order – who is on trial later this month in a legal battle over custody of her animal for emotional support – agreed and suggested that rent-splitting lovebirds could reduce their potential coexistence through a “justice lens” rather than an “equality lens”.
Her partner, she explained, made double that, but expected her to split the rent almost equally. After that partner, she said, had some explosive violent episodes around the house and even physically assaulted her once, she announced her decision to move out. The partner hired a lawyer to obtain custody of the emotional support animal and advised the young woman to wait until she was in a better financial position before separating.
The partner also added that when she moved in for the first time, she should have “negotiated” more about her part of the rent.
Never get put in an awkward or unsafe situation just to save money
Be realistic and think about how you can protect yourself
The young woman with the warrant, whom Lifehacker does not name because of the ongoing legal battle, said she saw no warning signs about her partner’s potential for outbreaks of violence or financially decimating retaliatory tactics. A person who is going to be a horror to coexist with is unlikely to make this clear until you actually move in, so you need to be extra sure – at least to the best of your knowledge – that they are someone you can coexist with. And yet, knowing this does not always guarantee that you will avoid a landmine.
Of course, not every partner is a waiting monster. Lots of people, probably including your loved one, are totally relaxed and normal, but you still need to think about your own needs – and an escape plan that, hopefully, you never need to apply.
The young woman, bound by the court, urged all potential immigrants to make sure they can still survive independently before sharing a house and expenses with a partner. Even if you never have to break a lease, move out, or determine who gets what household items in a dispute, knowing that you could if you ever had to is reassuring. Never get put in an awkward or unsafe situation just to save money or because you don’t have the resources to set yourself free. If your partner takes care of you, they will understand if you want to postpone moving in until you have raised enough money or general security to keep your safety and well-being in case you find yourself alone.
Also, don’t be put off by worries of being lonely or temporarily living in a less-than-ideal place when the coexistence situation is going down. The young woman said she delayed breaking up with her partner after the first outbreak of violence because she was concerned, “Oh shit, I have to go home.” Living with your parents or finding a few roommates isn’t the end of the world, and it certainly isn’t as bad as living in a dangerous or miserable place.
Hale also pointed out that each person should be honest about their own unique needs when looking for a home, “especially in the face of this post-COVID world.” [wherein] Lots of people work in an office using the hybrid method. ”Ask yourself, she said, if you need separate offices or personal space. No matter how much you adore someone, you could struggle with them if you spend every hour of the day next to them, especially when trying to work. Stand up for yourself in the decision-making process, not least because failing to meet your needs can negatively affect the relationship itself. Plus, even if you take a big step with your partner, you are still your own person. They still deserve your needs met.
The first question to ask yourself is, ‘What are the priorities for my lifestyle?’
Be willing to compromise
Once you identify all of the red flags and have the big money talk, you have more work to do before you ever step foot in a broker’s office.
“If you both work from home, will there be arguments?” Hale suggested asking yourself. In this case: “It would be better if you sacrificed the neighborhood in order to have a little more space. The first question you should ask yourself is, ‘What are the priorities for my lifestyle?’ “
If you do decide to move in together, you should be fairly aware of your partner’s general likes and dislikes. Ideally, you should also have common goals and interests, and even if so, don’t be surprised if you disagree on some broad areas about where you live. One of you prefers a small apartment on a busy city street and the other is more inclined to go to the suburbs. Both parties, Hale said, should realize that they have to compromise on something.
When the two of you are committed to two very different styles of life, pause for a minute. Assuming you really want to live in a busy urban setting and your partner is unwavering in their commitment to Long Island – if the two of you stick to your guns you could split up, but that may not be the worst scenario. Sometimes it takes a serious conversation about how to get ahead to see why you shouldn’t. If you don’t think you would be happy outside of your favorite place, then probably wouldn’t be, and it’s okay to admit that. Sometimes you want different things. Do not destroy your own life and dreams in the service of another and consider this an ordinary “compromise”.
In every part of your relationship, you need to communicate clearly and honestly while setting yourself priorities and promoting the union and your common goals. If you skip this part because your current lease is expiring or you want to enter a stage of the relationship that you consider to be more stable, then you should reconsider. You have options.
When you’re ready – really ready – after all those long conversations and self-reflection, practice compromising and joint problem-solving by agreeing which agent to call. Go on. Test it out.
