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Not all advice has to be professional. Sometimes your problems deserve a little blunt honesty from a guy with only a computer and a conscience. Luckily for you, I’m that guy. Welcome back to Tough Love. (If you’d like my advice email me at sblum@lifehacker.com)
Today we’re looking at the topic of a partnership where half work hard to bring in much of the family income while the other half seemingly doing very, very little. Where do you draw the line to make sure you’re not being taken advantage of?
Note: I am a columnist, not a therapist or a certified doctor. My advice should be interpreted in that sense. If you have a problem with something I say complain here. Let’s start now.
Dear sam
I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years, I think (IDRK because I can’t really keep track of things anymore). We have two children – a 2 year old boy and a 4 year old girl. But there is so much stress in our relationship that I often think of leaving and dealing with the aftermath of being a separated parent and everything that comes with it. She makes less than $ 400 a month while I make about $ 4.5,000 to $ 5,000 a month. She seldom works, maybe two nights a week at most. But I’m tired of being the only one bringing in the money.
She refuses to get another job even at night so I can take care of the children. She doesn’t want to work on weekends and most of all she’s doing the job she currently has. We rent a house for about $ 1200 a month and she never tidies it up. We spend most of the day doing God knows what. I came home to see the kids still in their pajamas and on TV. She doesn’t go to school as I asked and talked about. She literally does nothing but make sure the children stay alive. She’s mean to the kids and it’s just a constant power struggle; She has to be in control of every situation. I really have no idea what to do. I have become distant from her and don’t want to be with her much anymore. She wants to cuddle and watch TV and I prefer to do something alone. I just don’t know what to do, and it doesn’t help that I have borderline personality disorder, which means that I can completely turn my back on it and not feel bad about it.
Sincere,
PLEASE HELP
Dear PLEASE HELP,
You are in a difficult situation where you need to sit down with your partner and explain exactly why this situation feels unfair. But before doing that, you need to take the time to understand why your partner may be living the way you described them.
I’m not saying what you described to me is inaccurate, but someone who spends most of their day on the couch might be depressed or have some other type of emotional struggle. Have you asked your partner how she’s feeling lately? Lethargy and lack of motivation, as you described, are common symptoms of depression.
If you have not already done so, here’s what you need to do: Start with a sincere desire to understand. Does she have reservations about failure or some other annoying hang-up? Does she have mental health problems? Is she depressed? Approach the situation with curiosity because when something is there – and it is likely – you want to be a supportive partner, not a judgmental asshole.
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Refusal to work is one thing, but she’s at home all day with a two-year-old and a four-year-old. Keeping them alive isn’t just about putting food in their mouths – it goes way beyond that – and spending all day with kids can actually be a full-time job. You’ve also noticed that she spends all day doing “God knows what”, but her everyday life will always be a mystery if you don’t learn to communicate better with one another. Not to suggest that you aren’t trying – of course, I have very limited leeway about what your relationship is like – but to get a sense of how your partner is feeling and how she is spending her time, you need to ask.
Then, depending on what you learn, be the kind of supportive partner you would want. It sounds like you have your own mental health issues to face so you can empathize. You can also tell her how you feel in this situation – but first ask yourself how you really feel and find the right words to describe your emotions. Try to express your feelings gently, but express how you really feel. If you feel that she is “mean to the children,” ask her why she is acting this way, but do it in a non-judgmental way. You will make zero progress if you don’t communicate.
In order for you to understand your situation, you need to understand your partner. First of all, keeping your kids in pajamas isn’t the end of the world. Sure, you might expect your partner to have some kind of plans for them every now and then, but there are plenty of times when it’s okay and normal to stay home in your pajamas for a day. I’ve worked from home for the past two years and spent a lot of time not fully dressed. Does it make me feel less productive at times? Maybe, but my priorities are very different from those of a two year old.
Another thing to keep in mind is that while you may be open and honest about your borderline personality disorder, you cannot just leave it and consider the consequences. Divorce sucks, and even if you’re not married, parenting separation is a difficult thing for kids (I know from experience). Think long and hard about this aspect of your situation and know that leaving it and not thinking about the consequences, as you have noticed, is never an option. There will always be consequences and you shouldn’t ignore them.
I really hope you can progress with her before it comes to that. Try to remember why you got together in the first place and be direct and honest about how you felt about the situation. If it is conveyed from the perspective of honest emotion – it makes you feel unappreciated, etc. – you have a better chance of the message sticking. Just know that their emotions and personal situation are just as important as yours. Much luck.
That’s it for this week, but there’s a lot more Tough Love. If you’d like to be featured, please feel free to contact us by turning your dilemmas into one E-mail to me (Please include “RAT” or “TOUGH LOVE” in the subject line). Or, tweet me with the hashtag #ToughLove. Serious inquiries only: Don’t email or message me if you don’t want to be on the column. Disclaimer of liability: I can’t answer everyone, so make sure you describe a specific problem in your note. I don’t respond to generalizations like “being mean” to someone or vague descriptions of “relationship problems” without specific examples of what is hurting you. Until next time, take care!
