A big part of parenting is setting up rules, expectations, and boundaries, and then enforcing them. Every parent learns at some point that if we don’t follow our rules, they’ll pick them up very quickly and begin to test the strength of our determination each round. Let them skip brushing their teeth only once and they will plead every night for the next month to skip the job.
But sometimes we find ourselves in a constant battle over a rule or routine that we started a long time ago. If we think about it long and hard, we may not even be able to remember why we made this particular rule – we just throw up our hands and say, “Good! As you like! “Feels like an invitation to push back other rules as well.
That’s why one of the parents wrote to me Meghan Leahy, Washington Post columnist for advice. They had struggled to get their eight- and ten-year-olds to shower and set the table for dinner at 6 p.m. each night – to the point where the eight-year-old skipped dinner in favor of play instead. While it is unclear why it was so important to have the shower before dinner or why dinner had to be on the table at that very time, the rule had created an inflexibility in the house that was just not worth it.
How Leahy explains::
As our children grow up and develop, we parents need to remain flexible and strong. In my book Parenthood out of boundsI compare our upbringing to swamp grass. It’s ingrained and strong, but extremely flexible on top. To avoid or bypass unnecessary power struggles, you need to zoom out and ask yourself, “Is the limit I hold on to an important value? Or is it about me and fear? “
By creating boundaries that are about values and not “because I said so” you have a great opportunity to develop with your children. You are rooted and strong where you need to be and open and flexible when the family demands it.
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The “swamp grass” analogy is a more helpful version of the classic “choose your battles” parenting advice. We know that we have to give up certain things so that every day isn’t an hour-long battle of wills. But deciding which battles to fight and which to surrender can be difficult right now. Run the debate through the “Does this maintain an important value or do I want compliance for compliance?” Filter. actually gives us a more consistent measure of when to be firm and when to be flexible.
Indeed, in the case of these parents, the core value might be having the family sit down for dinner every evening (or most nights). To achieve this and to alleviate the lingering headaches that result from having the kids showered and presented at a fully set table until 6 p.m., they can postpone the shower time later or let the kids clean up the plates instead of setting the table, or move back the meal time by half an hour.
If you do any of these things, the core value stays rooted and you have the flexibility to choose how you actually want to achieve it.
