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Is your best friend dating an asshole? At some point your best friend will date an asshole. These are the facts, unless you are extremely lucky and those facts suck. It hurts to see someone you care about, to meet someone who is horrible, especially if they don’t see it already.

What can you do? We know what you’re thinking: what if you approach them with your assessment of their boo and they accuse you of jealousy? What if they get angry? What if they let you down completely – and get more involved in the relationship with this stinker? Are we trying to avoid these catastrophic scenarios, right?

Make sure that you are actually not jealous

Before we go any further, are you jealous? Do a honest self-audit in private on your own mind. Be careful not to project your anger over the fact that you are suddenly no longer the other half of the most important relationship in your best friend’s life.

This could be the first thing your boyfriend will blame you for when you confront them, so you need to convince yourself of your innocence before trying to convince your buddy.

Everyone gets along in different ways, but if your friend is forced to face the reality of their own sad comments, you could have a breakthrough

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Write down clear examples of bad behavior

One way to make sure you’re not acting out of jealousy or resentment and to back up your point when bringing it up to your friend is to make a list. Is your girlfriend’s boyfriend getting inappropriate in the comments under other women’s thirst traps on Instagram? Does a friend’s new girlfriend keep borrowing money and never paying it back? Do you have evidence that your friend’s lover is cheating or otherwise behaving badly when she’s not around?

Screenshot texts they sent you complaining or worrying about bad behavior and using their own words to show them what they are going through. People in bad relationships have an incredible habit of glossing over the gross parts, forgiving, forgetting, and sticking to rose-tinted glasses. It’s not uncommon for someone to cry over their friend’s disinterest in him on a Friday night and then post a picture of him at brunch the next day. Everyone gets along in different ways, but if your friend is forced to face the reality of their own sad comments, you may have a breakthrough.

If there’s other evidence of unkind or aggressive behavior that you can get your hands on, go for it. This becomes an emotional conversation and concrete evidence can substantiate it and prevent it from getting lost in allegations and misunderstandings.

The bad partner is most likely not your friend and it is not your job to teach them

Don’t go alone

Roxy R., an Upper Midwest mother of two, has seen a lot in her parenting years. She gave a great tip: go for this style of intervention.

When multiple people reach out to the friend with concerns about their partner, the friend may realize that this is a bigger problem than he thought. If it’s all about you, the friend can write this off as your problem, but if there are more voices, the friend may have to admit that this is a problem that is pretty obvious to everyone but them. (And of course, they probably realize it, so be kind; they could work hard to ignore their partner’s red flags, but they’re not that stupid.)

Don’t approach the bad partner

The bad partner is most likely not your friend, and it is not your job to teach them. By going this route, an easy way to allay your concerns about your friend is by saying that you went behind the friend’s back to address the partner.

Do not do it. Leave her alone. If you are doing this from a place of care and concern, your focus should be on your friend, the one who is in the bad situation. As much as you want to yell at a partner who is cheating or cheating on your boyfriend, it won’t solve much.

It is terrible to see a friend go through something like a bad relationship, but they are going to need someone to be there for them when it inevitably comes to an end

Be sincere and welcoming

Plan a time and place for this that are not threatening. Have a nice lunch or go somewhere neutral. For example, don’t do this in your seat because you don’t want to appear to be attacking a friend while you have a home advantage. A coffee shop or coffee shop can be a great, neutral zone.

“Tell them you love them and make it clear that it comes from the heart because you care about them,” said Chrissy P., a 28-year-old in Minneapolis. “Put your relationship first. Say you’re telling them this because you – and the relationship you have – care about them. And make it clear that you don’t want to lose them because of that. “

To do this, fight the urge to walk away. It’s terrible to see a friend go through something like a bad relationship, but he needs someone to be there for him when it inevitably comes to an end – or even before, during tough phases and struggles. If you really care about them, you have to go through with this. Giving up on them will only help secure the mean partner’s hold over them and make them feel like they cannot turn to anyone but that person.

Be there for your friend. Share your concerns, use evidence to back up yourself, and be kind. Then just hope it works – but in any case, plan to stick with it.