Not all advice has to be professional. Sometimes your problems deserve a little blunt honesty from a guy with only a computer and a conscience. Luckily for you, I’m that guy. Welcome back to Tough Love. (If you’d like my advice email me at sblum@lifehacker.com)
Today we discuss how to negotiate a reunion with a family member that you want to avoid at all costs. What do you do if you have to spend several days with this person? Can you avoid them? Should you?
Note: I am a columnist, not a therapist or a certified doctor. My advice should be interpreted in that sense. If you have a problem with something I say complain here. Let’s start now.
Hello sam
For seven years I have been happily estranged from my brother. I was the executor of our parents’ estate and he cut off contact with me because of a decision I had made. I was so happy not to have anything to do with him. Out of respect for my mother, I worked hard for years to maintain a relationship with him, even though my brother is a racist narcissist. His hair-raising temper made everyone walk on eggshells. His MO was to play my sister and me off against each other – even though we both had his number and joked each other about being saddled with him and vice versa when he cut off contact with one of us and tried to ingratiate himself with the other.
My last encounter with him was when he yelled at me that I was a “liberal” and should never speak to him again. Since he has many weapons, I slowly closed the door for him and haven’t spoken to him since. My attorney arranged all contacts with him to settle the estate and I was so relieved that I didn’t have to deal with him. I do not like him. I don’t enjoy his company and see no reason to mend this relationship. I wish him no harm, but I really don’t want anything to do with him.
However, my older son did have a relationship with him, which is fine – he’s grown up and makes his own decisions. However, this son is getting married and will no doubt invite my brother to his destination wedding. The thought of spending a week with my asshole brother makes me nervous. I’m not going to tell my son and his fiancée what to do, but I really want to enjoy this week-long celebration. Having my idiotic brother there is sure to ruin the party.
He wasn’t invited to my other son’s wedding because his nephew, who doesn’t want anything to do with him, was a huge idiot. But my brother does not have the ability to learn, understand, or apologize. Although he has been in occupational health therapy for decades (he is a first aider), he uses therapeutic knowledge and terms to absolve himself of any responsibility for his hideous behavior. It doesn’t make sense for me to hire him on any level. But destination weddings bring everyone together for a few days of intense interaction. I don’t see how to evade him.
How do I deal with it? Am I biting my teeth, asking to be kept as far away from my brother as possible and trying to minimize our interactions? Do I stay outside? Go the other way when I see him coming? My brother has no control over himself and I can think of all sorts of scenarios in which he tries to keep me occupied, baited, and otherwise initiate some type of interaction. He could really disrupt the wedding – just like he did at our mother’s funeral when he pouted and ran up to him at a little remark from a cousin. He’s already ruined several vacations for me by blaming my sister wildly and stalking out angrily.
How do I successfully negotiate this enforced closeness?
Done with him
Better finished with him
I can understand why you are “done with him”, as your code name makes clear. This guy sounds like sheer chaos; someone who is constantly offended but never really counted on their own inner agony (even after going into therapy). Instead, he hurls his fear at other people in the form of psychological abuse. No wonder you want to avoid him – but how?
The good news (kind of) is that you are dealing with someone who has the emotional maturity of a child. It also sounds like you have the refuge of a family that feels largely the same as you do. Provided everyone in your family is as rational and clear-sighted as you are, you can assume that no one will defend the maddened narcissist who wants to spoil a happy event.
It sounds like your brother is thriving on Chaos, this is one of the Hallmarks of a narcissistas you put it empathetically. A question to ask yourself: How many people are actually willing to put up with his bullshit, or even close to sympathizing with his bullshit? He will find few, if any, allies on this journey, I suppose. You mentioned his story of pouting and storming when his tactics fail at family events. Who says they don’t resort to their usual theatrics and just get out when no one breaks into their chaos?
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Nobody wants a dramatic breakdown to happen at a destination wedding, especially if everyone is likely to hang out on the same lawn for several days. But if he storms off like a toddler, is it really that bad, by and large? He’ll be gone eventually.
Also, I wouldn’t advise staying anywhere else unless you shared a house with your brother for that week. As long as your safety is not at risk, don’t let him get the upper hand in any way imaginable. This is your son’s wedding, and as it sounds like, your brother is kind of the guest of shame. He received a sympathy invitation. He’s likely feeling hurt and insecure that your other son didn’t invite him to his wedding. Make him feel hurt and insecure; no one is to blame for his hideous reputation but himself.
A technique that can be kept well in the back pocket is called gray rocking– when you act as passive and uninteresting as possible to avoid fueling a narcissist’s desire for conflict. It requires short one-word answers and an aversion to eye contact. It will likely drive him insane, but as you know, he will be in a position where he will just put the mood down for everyone, meaning no one will endure his reckless outbursts.
In your general interactions with him – if you absolutely need to communicate – just kill him with kindness, even if he tries to provoke you. Reacting neutrally to provocations can be very annoying and even confusing for the attacker. Why not take him off guard? When it comes down to it and you need the help of people in your close family, one of your sons would be ready to step in. In the meantime, don’t bother thinking about him too much. It doesn’t sound worth it.
That’s it for this week, but there’s a lot more Tough Love. If you’d like to be featured, please feel free to contact us by turning your dilemmas into one E-mail me (Please include “RAT” or “TOUGH LOVE” in the subject line). Or, tweet me with the hashtag #ToughLove. Serious inquiries only: Don’t email or message me if you don’t want to be on the column. Disclaimer of liability: I can’t answer everyone, so make sure you describe a specific problem in your note. I don’t respond to generalizations like “being mean” to someone or vague descriptions of “relationship problems” without specific examples of what is hurting you. Until next time, take care!
