If you have more than one child, you have probably noticed that they don’t always get along. Right now, with both winter weather and a pandemic largely keeping us together at home, sibling rivalries may have reached a climax that previously seemed unfathomable. The bad news is: sibling rivalries are essentially inevitable. The good news is: you can manage them in ways that reduce conflict.
Before we talk about how to relieve tensions between siblings, let’s talk about why these rivalries occur in the first place.
The psychology behind sibling rivalries
Siblings don’t fight all the time because they just find each other annoying. Children – especially in early and middle childhood – are constantly trying to figure out where they fit in the world and in their own families. Are they the smart ones, the sporty ones or the fun ones? As Jessica Grose writes for her New York Times::
From a psychological point of view, the rivalry between siblings serves a developmental purpose: It helps children find out what is in itself unique and special, also known as “Distinction. “Children want to be seen as special by their parents, so they will“ always push for preferential treatment ”towards their siblings. [Jeanine] Vivona, [a professor of psychology at the College of New Jersey who has studied sibling rivalry,] said. But they can also shape their interests and personalities according to the abilities and wishes of their siblings.
Children can actually avoid activities or roles their siblings play, as rivalries are about defining who they are as an individual. At the same time, they often struggle for their parents’ time and positive attention, which leads to conflict. (Oh, mom likes your artwork, doesn’t she? Maybe that’s why I suddenly want to tear it up.)
So what are you doing about it?
Avoid comparing them to one another
When one child is doing great at school and the other is not even having the trouble to take their chores home with them, it is tempting to say something, “Why can’t you try harder at school like your brother? “However, this is not a motivational feeling for one child and only serves as further evidence that the other child is indeed your favorite.
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As much as possible, focus on the strengths and good qualities of each child. And if there is something to work on, whether it be related to hard work at school or behavior at home, speak to them only in the context of their specific situation and not in comparison to their siblings.
If possible, punish them privately, out of earshot of their siblings as well. Children take advantage of a parent’s criticism of their siblings against them (by either mocking them or taking the opportunity to boss them around) and this is less than helpful. On the other hand, if you see them helping each other or getting along, praise both of you for encouraging more of that behavior.
Look for patterns in the conflicts
Chances are that there are certain situations where the mood is more likely to catch fire. They may often bump into each other after school when they are moody, hungry and vying for control of the television. Children have to learn how to convey your own argumentsHowever, if you know that certain circumstances are likely to lead to struggles, try to be present during these times to manage the conflict or establish new ground rules to avoid it completely.
As a family, do fun activities together on a regular basis
It’s great to have one-on-one conversations with each child – but also to choose activities that the whole family will enjoy doing together and on a regular basis. Maybe you’re all into board games, mini golf, or a family movie night. Even if there is a little (or a lot) arguing about which game, which movie, or who gets the blue golf ball, it is important for siblings to have frequent positive experiences together to make up for all of these arguments.
Also, avoid playing them off against each other at all costs. It might be tempting to have “fun” little “competitions” with one another, such as “Who can tidy up their toys faster?”. But the last thing you want to do is encourage more competition between them than there is already. Instead, let them work together by challenging them to clean up all of the toys together in a race against the clock.
Just wait
Once you’ve done all of that, the next step is to wait for them to get older. I know this isn’t particularly helpful, but as children reach adolescents and move into adulthood themselves, their relationship often evolves from a competitive one to a closer, more supportive one. It is incredibly common for children to fight non-stop when they are young and fat as thieves as they get older. As long as you are careful and do your best to treat every child fairly, the chances are that everything will be fine in the end.
