It can feel like an obligation to be nice and close to your significant other’s friends. Of course, you want to develop a relationship with someone who is close to someone you love, but it’s often not easy. You may not be crazy about some of the people around your partner. Or maybe your partner’s friends are skeptical of you and see you as some sort of unwanted intruder in a pre-determined group of friends.
If the latter situation ever arises, you always have to extend an olive branch and try to make friends with these people, even if they are not immediately welcome. You don’t have to ask them for a “friend date” where you sign some kind of peace treaty. Rather, you can try to attract them by trying to get to know them in good faith and by being your best self in general.
Show that you care about your partner
Perhaps that person is skeptical of your intentions when it comes to your relationship. Humans can understandably protect their friends. It is possible that your significant other’s friends will not see a textbook example of an outstanding partner when they see you when it is you.
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To do this, show them that you support your partner. Dr. Paulette Sherman, Psychologist and author of Dating from the Inside Out, says that standing up for your partner as a means of making real friendships with their friends has an endearing effect.
She says Lifehacker:
It’s great to go the extra mile for your partner that you would do for you. When a friend is important to your partner, it is great to make actionable efforts to get to know them, be friendly, and make them feel welcome. People want to feel liked and sometimes friends feel threatened when their good friends start a new serious relationship and they may feel that things are changing or that they are not included. You can set the tone by showing up and making an effort.
You don’t have to talk about how much you like your partner or get lyrical about their talents or bombard them with compliments. You don’t want to look like you’re performing. Rather, show a passion for the things your partner is passionate about. Show commitment to the enrichment of their lives by supporting the things they love. That means showing up to events they might attend or giving them thoughtful birthday gifts.
If your commitment and commitment is evident enough, the skepticism will likely subside.
Don’t try too hard
You have to be yourself. It is possible that your partner’s friends are unfair, and any major overtures you make will go unnoticed anyway. But if it’s just a routine skepticism, don’t go too far out of the way to find a good favor. It becomes transparent pretty quickly when you are openly trying to get someone to like you. This can easily seem insincere, especially if the person you are trying to contact already has some concerns about you.
To this end, Sherman recommends putting your ego aside. She advises:
You can’t guess why a boyfriend is skeptical – they may have broken up badly or lost a boyfriend to their new girlfriend – all things that may have little to do with you. And while you are not responsible for your partner friends’ luggage, you can do your best to be friendly and do your part in building a relationship. If you are reacting defensively from your ego or expecting them to take the lead to improve things the first time, then you are not doing your part to move things forward.
Let things flow naturally. There is a chance that they will see you in an accurate light in due course, especially if you are kind and accommodating to them and your partner.
Be direct
When someone turns you down, it can be tempting to return the favor. But you can build up a lot of good faith by killing this person with kindness. Ask them how they are. Make eye contact and smile. Remember if you mentioned something important the last time, then follow up on it. It will show that you are kind and conscientious. This is exactly the kind of person that someone their friend wants to be with.
The main purpose of the guideline here is to show that you are a good significant other who genuinely cares about your partner. When you do that, the rest can and should fall into place. And if not, it’s likely that it is your partner’s friend who should reevaluate their approach.
Understand the limits
Sherman notes that some attempts to make up with a skeptical friend come with limits. Perhaps this friend only has an ax to sharpen that seems unsolvable. In this case, it’s okay for your partner to have their relationship with that person without you.
Sherman says:
If that friend belittles you or is hostile after your endeavors, it may be healthy to step back and allow your partner and them to have a relationship of their own. It is worth a try, however, as all new relationships require effort and trust building can take time.
Of course, you can always be polite with this person. But since any reconciliation depends on what the other person does, understand that there are limits to what you can achieve.
