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There is a moment (or several moments) in each parent’s life that they wish they could take back. It could be as simple as the first time you raised your voice and made your child cry, the thoughtless saying that hurt their feelings, or the preventable accident that resulted in a trip to the emergency room. But after the tears dry and the wounds heal, there is a feeling that can linger in the hearts and minds of parents and caregivers, and that feeling is: guilt.
While they know everyone makes mistakes, some parents can find it hard to shake off the nagging feeling that they are not perfect in their children’s eyes. However, it is important for well-meaning parents to overcome their remorse and learn to acquit themselves for past slip-ups. Here are some ways parents can begin to forgive themselves for their mistakes – not just for their own health, but for their children as well.
Worry less about the future
Everyone gets mad at their children at some point. But as Dr. Laura Markham writes for Psychology Today, it is the fear of how our children “develop” that can lead parents to act irrationally at the moment:
(What if he NEVER finds out? What if she gets in big trouble and ruins her life? What if I’ve harmed him forever?) But fear never helps us make good decisions. You can now always choose a new course and move in a better direction. And the truth is that most problems with children are developmental, which means that as the brain matures, the child becomes more mature. So relax, give yourself some compassion, and trust that your child will be fine. Just tell yourself, “He’s brought up better than me and I got off well.”
If parents let this fear guide them in raising or disciplining their children, no one will learn from their mistakes. Children’s brains are still developing and maturing, so they’ll break down a or two (or a thousand) before they know how to manage their emotions. And you’re human too, so give yourself some grace when things get hot. Believe that everything will be fine – for it will – and don’t let your worries about the future affect your present.
Exemplary forgiveness
If parents cannot forgive each other for their mistakes, how are their children supposed to learn? As clinical psychologist Emily Edlynn writes for the Washington Post: Family struggles and their solutions are necessary for a child’s development. It describes a concept known as “break and repair” in family interactions research and describes how “an unfortunate moment can become an opportunity to model positive conflict-resolution behavior while maintaining closeness”.
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But when parents feel guilty about stress in the relationship, they can stay in the “rupture” phase and not resolve anything. Edlynn explains:
If we can admit to our child that we were frustrated and felt bad about screaming, it allows the negative emotions to spread – and the all-important hug to stop interacting with warmth.
It is good to explain to our children why we are mad at them. But by acquitting them and ourselves for our feelings, we can teach forgiveness firsthand.
Don’t take things personally
Before going into their room in a fit of anger, the children will say things from a place of anger, the parents will break their hearts – and evoke feelings of guilt: “You are so mean!” “I hate you!” “I wish I was never born!”
It’s hard to hear such cruelty from someone you love and not take it personally. But it’s important to remember that children don’t really mean these cutting statements, and their anger doesn’t last forever. It’s tempting to let kids stew on their beds until they’ve calmed down, however Markham recommends Build your patience and talk to your children about why they are so angry. Let go of your emotional defenses and listen to what they have to say. This is not the time to give them advice or a lecture. Instead, focus on getting in touch with your child and the chances are the two of you will forget all those terrible words.
Regulate your own emotions
If you find yourself reconsidering the behavior that originally made you feel guilty, hit the situation’s reset button by taking a deep breath and trying again. Not only will you be able to get back on track, but it will also serve as an example for your child to self-regulate their emotions.
As the Child Mind Institute Points out that disciplining themselves later in life can become challenging for children when parents work too hard to relax their children after a meltdown:
“In these situations, the child essentially expects the parents to be external self-regulators,” says Dr. [Matthew] Rouse says. “If that’s a pattern that keeps coming up and a child can ‘outsource’ self-regulation, then it could develop as a habit.”
If parents forgive each other for past mistakes, they can become more confident caregivers and pass these valuable traits on to their children. So give yourself some grace, regulate your reactions, and learn to let go.