All parents (or at least all decent parents) want the best for their children. You want them to be successful in school so that they can be successful in life. They want to raise children who will become adults who are honest and full of integrity and who have solid work ethics. And because we know that both nature and care play a role in how our children ultimately “develop”, we are always on the lookout for problems at home or at school that we need to address. But sometimes we become so focused on “fixing” the immediate problem that we lose sight of what our real role is in the bigger picture of their lives.
A current advice column in The Washington Post serves as a good reminder for all of us. One parent wrote to columnist Meghan Leahy to ask what to do with their 15-year-old son, who has had no interest in working for classes (or teachers) he thinks “stupid” – and for years then lies to his parents about it. This parent tried everything to address the behavior: therapy, removing the Xbox, creating reward systems, staying away, joining in, levitating, crying, screaming – and still their son fails some of his classes.
After Leahy feels a bit sorry for the son (she says she also did much of high school), she points out that parents focus too much on the “what” and nowhere near enough on the “why”.
Let’s all shenanigans pause on behavior change. Let’s stop the fear of all of this failure and what it means for his future. Let’s pause and push him into therapy or tutoring. Let us. Straight. Stop. Repeat after me: “My son is not a project. He is a fully human young man and he needs my support and love. “Repeat this over and over and then get curious. Invite him to eat with you, take you on a hike, learn a video game with you, and meet him without an agenda. Any single class that it fails can be invented. Anything he hasn’t learned can eventually be learned, and I want you to tell him that.
Leahy’s words caught my eye because it is so easy for parents to be caught up in a desperate need to correct any final aspect of their child’s behavior or school work ethic or relationships. It can feel like we have 18 years to shape them exactly how we want them and we forget that at least some of them were born who they are. The natural part was always there – and the care part is less about sticking a square pen in a round hole and more about establishing strong connections with you.
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As told by a clinical psychologist Your teenage magazine::
“By the time children reach their teenage years, parents often feel like they are saying the wrong thing or their teenagers are rebelling into withdrawing or oversteering – none of that works,” says Dr. Laura Markham, clinical psychologist and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Children. “What works is realizing that teenagers still need your guidance, but you can’t control them. The only way you can influence is through your relationship with your teen. “
We earn our long-term influence on our children not by challenging it, but by being a supportive, loving force in their lives. Whatever they struggle and do or not do is not necessarily a direct result of our parenthood; It’s not a mistake we made or a programming bug that we need to correct. Sure, we have to have rules, boundaries and consequences and all that, but most of the time, as Leahy puts it, our children just need us to be less judgmental and “more curious” about their lives.
