Illustration for article titled How To Ask Your Partner To Watch Porn With YouFigure: LuckyN (Shutterstock)

Pornography has a troubled history in the United States. Of the “Golden Age of Porn“When it was a marginally accepted sub-genre of cinema (with films like Deep Throat and Behind the Green Door getting nationwide releases), to its decline in the late 80s thanks to Ronald Raegans Anti-pornography legislation, to the rise of amateur porn A lot has changed on the internet over the years. Although the art form has negative connotations, it can still be healthy if consumed in a healthy way.

Watching porn alone can be personal and intimate, but watching it in a partnership can be even more beneficial. As reported by Psychology Today, a 2020 study The book, published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, found that couples who watched pornography together reported increased sexual intimacy over time, while those who watched separately reported mixed results: women reported watching alone leading to increased “relationship engagement” and increased intimacy with their partners, men reported the opposite.

Despite the potential redeeming qualities, porn viewing is still often poorly received in a relationship, and asking your partner to share the viewing experience can be a complex conversation. Here are some expert tips to help you break the ice on porn with your partners.

Make a solid connection with your partner before talking about porn

There is no right or wrong time to introduce the topic of porn to your partner. The right time is when you feel ready. Sexologist and somatic sex educator Juliana Goldstone (who often offers individual advice on this matter) advises an honest conversation on the matter. “It’s important to bring up the idea of ​​watching porn together when you’re already feeling connected,” says Goldstone. “If you’re currently having problems in your relationship, take some time to think about what’s working before suggesting watching porn with your partner.” Porn can be exciting and bring new levels of joy to your relationship, but it shouldn’t be introduced in the hope of fixing existing issues with intimacy.

Put yourself in the right mindset

People watch porn for many reasons. It could help the viewer visualize a fantasy or introduce them to sexual experiences that they had not previously imagined. Goldstone invites people to consider their intentions when watching porn with their partners. “Is there a fantasy you have that you want to share with your partner but don’t have the words to describe it?” She asks. “Would watching porn help you share that fantasy more effectively? More importantly, how would you like to feel before, during, and after watching porn together? Inspired? Connected? Switched on? Curious?”

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Once you have a clear idea of ​​what you and your partner can experience and explore together by watching porn, you will feel more confident talking to them about it.

Illustration for article titled How To Ask Your Partner To Watch Porn With You

It is also a great shame to consume pornographyHence, it is important to make sure that you are in a good place and that you are vulnerable if you share your desires. First, you know that when you enjoy porn, you are not alone: ​​in 2020 Popular video site PornHub reported a whopping 120 million users every day– and noted that traffic increased dramatically during the outbreak of the pandemic. Watching porn is something that millions – if not billions – of people do on a regular basis. However, sharing these desires can be a very vulnerable act. Goldstone suggests using “I” statements before and during the conversation and taking a few deep breaths to ground yourself.

“Be transparent with your partner about how you feel during the conversation. Some simple statements like “This is prone to sharing” or “I’m a little nervous right now” or “I can’t get this right the first time so please take it with me” can breathe some spaciousness and grace into a conversation that might feel scary. You don’t have to say the perfect words to have a successful and engaging conversation.

Communicate your limits and triggers

While pornography can be playful and sexy, in some situations it can also be aggressive and harmful. “Unfortunately there are a lot of harmful stereotypes in porn, sexism, racism and just bad behavior. Look for porn that feels aligned with your values ​​and preferences, ”says Goldstone. You want to make sure that the porn you choose is mutually desirable and that you are clearly communicating your limits during the experience. Goldstone is instructing couples to stop and deal with any inconveniences that may arise if those involved feel triggered or desperate. She also pleads with couples to “allow enough time to process the experience after you’re done.”

You are starting a new experience with your partner that can evoke new thoughts and feelings. For one thing, seeing your partner aroused by someone other than yourself can be a strange feeling. “It’s important to remember that just because someone or someone else turns you on doesn’t mean they don’t love or want you,” assures Goldstone. When these feelings can arise, it is important to remember to breathe and be transparent with one another. Keep the lines of communication open and make sure that everyone involved feels cared for.

Manage your expectations

While pornography represents the act of sex and sexual situations, it is still entertainment. Some scenarios cannot be turned into reality. Manage your expectations accordingly. Just because you loved seeing something together doesn’t mean that your partner wants to do that activity in real life. Goldstone explains that “with care and attention” viewing pornography together can provide a level of “fantasy and fiction.” [which can] can be a wonderful ingredient to spice up your own life. ”