“I’m tired of feeling worthless,” I said, my head in my hands, holding back tears. I had been in bed all day following a panic attack at work the day before. Besides feeling paralyzed by the sadness that permeated my life, my body was too sore to move.
I couldn’t understand why this was happening. Months ago our second son was born happy and healthy. But I felt overwhelmed. The job I did for over a decade was no longer safe and I tried to get my freelance career off the ground.
Society taught me that fatherhood would be a joyful time and I should take pride in bringing a new life to the world. But since becoming a father, I have felt anxious, depressed and struggled with overwhelming anxiety attacks. I ran my fifth marathon a few months before I accepted the title of father. Now I had gained all the weight I had lost training for it – and more. I carried a lot of guilt for feeling this way, and my mind occasionally drifted into dangerous territory.
I realize that I’m not the only parents who have experienced this mix of emotions. Thanks to increased research and celebrities like Reese Witherspoon and Chrissy Teigen sharing their experiences, postpartum depression is better known in women. However, as men have increasingly assumed the role of caregivers, paternal postpartum depression (or paternal PPD) has only recently become more prominent.
What is Father’s Postpartum Depression?
According to some studies, nearly 10 percent of new fathers experience depressive behavior after having a child. And often these men are afraid to speak up because they don’t want to look weak or add something to the plate of their already exhausted and emotional partner.
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“It is difficult for men to recognize the symptoms of depression,” says Dr. Scott Bea, psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic. “You can start in the first trimester because things are already changing.”
It’s not just the shifts in sleep patterns and relationship dynamics that can cause symptoms of paternal PPD. Bea says other underlying problems – marital problems, financial pressures, a history of depression, or a partner who has postpartum depression or had a difficult pregnancy – can make symptoms worse.
I experienced some of the challenges Bea mentioned. But he also believes that these sudden mood swings could also be biological in some men. I was frustrated that I had no connection with my son, and I’m not alone: men often feel intellectually, but not emotionally, connected to their newborn, at least initially, and the bond may form more slowly over time. And there are hormonal changes also happens in the father’s body.
“There is a decrease in testosterone, which can play a role in depression in men,” he says. “Other hormones like estrogen and prolactin, which are more common in women but are found in men, are increasing. Cortisol, a stress hormone, escalates. “
When the stressors increase, it is common for men to hide their feelings instead of seeking help. This behavior can lead to reckless behavior such as alcohol and drug abuse, gambling, or out-of-partner relationships. And there is research that shows Depressed fathers are more likely to withdraw from their children or become more critical of them.
“When individuals fail to manage their emotions, it can affect the child’s situation,” says Bea. “If we as parents are unresponsive, active and energetic, the child will be programmed and they will not be able to fight it off.”
Although men are sad, irritable, excited, worthless, or guilty, they often do not want to burden their boyfriend or partner, even though their behavior can harm their family. And when men talk about what they are experiencing, they are often told to “stop whining” and “get up,” which means that they are selfish about their feelings. This may be because many are unaware that there is a paternal PPD and it has recently received attention in medical and psychological circles. Bea himself remembers how overwhelmed he was when he became a father.
“I remember getting stressed and not knowing what to do,” he says. “When I had children there was no mention of postpartum depression in men.”
How do you recognize and treat father’s postpartum depression
In addition to talking to a professional, there are also ways fathers can identify and treat symptoms of paternal PPD. Despite the tiredness and lack of sleep most new parents experience after giving birth, Bea recommends making a schedule and making time for activity. He also suggests learning to recognize the signs and symptoms of paternal PPD and talking to other fathers to foster connection and camaraderie.
And if you’re someone who recognizes symptoms of paternal PPD in your partner, Bea recommends speaking to them gently so they don’t feel confronted or attacked.
“People generally don’t like unsolicited advice, and I think if you can ask for permission they won’t feel assaulted and can monitor their response to it and see if that view is shared,” he says. “It can damage the partnership if it is not addressed properly.”
Men whose partners show symptoms of postpartum depression are at increased risk themselves. According to Bea, it can be beneficial for both parents to see an expert for an assessment.
I remember being stressed out and not knowing what to do. When I had children there was no mention of postpartum depression in men.
And if a father thinks he has paternal PPD, it’s normal to be afraid to seek help – but fathers shouldn’t be ashamed to speak to a professional.
“For us it is scary to see a professional, but when you are there it can feel like the safest place you have ever been,” says Bea. “Therapists try to create an environment of absolute safety.”
A few weeks after I received treatment and regained my running shoes, my family noticed that I was going back to my old self. The panic attacks I had were next to nonexistent and I was a little more confident as a father. Now I have a stronger connection with my boys and I enjoy being with my family.
